When addicts come into therapy, they often desire sobriety. When I ask for specifics on what this would look like it often goes something like this, “I want to stop drinking, using porn, gambling, etc. Little do they know early on, staying sober is more than not engaging in their drug of choice. People in the beginning stages of recovery confuse this vital aspect of recovery.
While sobriety technically is defined as the period of time one has abstained from addictive substances or behaviors, it’s also a state of mind. This state of mind is about presence. Emotional, physical, spiritual, and in some case sexual presence. Being emotionally present is the first step towards insight and growth. You can feel and experience your emotions without getting overwhelmed to the point of wanting to suppress them through compulsive means.
Being sober also means being relationally present with others. Instead of isolation, secrecy, and hiding, you are more relationally present by getting more connected to others through your vulnerability and sharing of yourself. You do this as a means to exorcise your past fears of abandonment, judgement, or shame. Others may sense this shift as they may comment on your newfound abilities to empathize, reflect and validate with them.
It begins with ourselves. Recognizing our own desires to be heard, be right, and be the winner in the midst of conflict. When we can hit the pause button on these desires it creates a small space, a clearing within the forest. In this space we can sit down, take a breath, and look for another path through the forest.
Spiritual Presence
Spiritual presence means you will achieve a certain level of peace when you’re in healthy sobriety. Unhealthy sobriety is when someone is “sober” but is still actively trying to engage in their addiction in thought or deed (i.e. a “dry drunk”). A dry drunk is an alcoholic who is “sober” from alcohol but is not emotionally sober. That is, the person is riddled with anger, frustration, entitlement and other forms of distorted thinking. The person may blame, minimize, or express contempt for the recovery process or shirk at the idea of accountability, exploring how their past impacted their addiction, or demand others never to talk about it (their addiction) citing it’s no longer relevant in their current “sober” state.
By Sam Louie, MA, LMHC, S-PSB
Prodigals International
Since its beginning in 2000, Prodigals’ International and its Homecoming Program has helped and supported hundreds of men achieve freedom from the bonds of sexual addiction throughout the United States and Canada. Through its tested and proven Christ-centered 12-Step sexual addiction recovery support groups, Prodigals has been on the forefront of leading men to healing, restoration, and sexual wholeness.
Partners in Process, the Prodigals program for the spouses of sex addicts, provides a unique 12-Step recovery process that supports women in their own healing from the effect of their husband’s sexual addiction. Partners in Process parallels the Homecoming program and its support groups provide a practical place for renewal, empathy, and encouragement.
