Partners in Process Support Groups provide a safe place of healing for women who have been affected by their husband’s or partner’s sexual brokenness. These support groups give women the opportunity to walk through the Twelve Step process in Christian community.

Still, with the lack of therapists trained in sex addiction, her husband John returned to his secret life and Jennifer was resigned to just deal with it. If anything, she left those counseling sessions confused as Jennifer recalled some counselors and pastors blamed their wives for “not being available enough”.

In the years following, John’s addiction escalated beyond pornography. John began going to online sex chat rooms which eventually led to an affair, all of which came to light when Jennifer discovered their communications and confronted him. “The tipping point was, I was done. I no longer was concerned about how it would impact our children, I had reached a point where I hated our life together and just wanted out. We were two strangers living in the same home with no relationship except forced situations around our children or public appearance.”

Faced with the threat of divorce, John relented and began earnestly seeking therapy to address this issue. He saw an individual counselor who understood addiction, trauma, and spiritual strongholds. The Christian therapist spoke truth to him in a way that was nonjudgmental yet also communicated clearly how pornography and his other sexual behaviors were masking deeper hurts, longings, and fears from childhood to his present life.

Jennifer also saw a therapist as well, “I wanted healing for myself from the betrayal, rage, and controlling nature of my husband, regardless if my husband and I worked things out.” While in her own counseling, Jennifer noticed her husband started taking responsibility and began to show forward momentum in recovery. John had even joined a men’s peer-led, 12-Step sex addiction group run by Prodigals International. When Jennifer learned Prodigals offered a similar group for betrayed spouses called, Partners in Process, she decided to give it a try.

Partners in Process (PIP), is a Christ-centered, 12 Step peer-led group for spouses impacted by their partner’s pornography/sexual addiction. Karen Crawford is the Senior Program Director with Prodigals International and oversees the women’s ministry including Partners in Process. Crawford said Partners in Process began in 2000 with a small group of women who had no place to go but wanted to meet up and share their experiences and walk through the recovery process together. Since then, the PIP has evolved with curriculum materials, structure, and alignment with sound therapeutic and Christian principles where the women learn to detach from their husbands and start working on their own issues. Crawford explains, “When a new woman comes in, oftentimes she’s feeling very alone and thinks she’s the only woman with this problem and she’s angry, she feels betrayed so we allow her to do that grieving, we encourage her to not make any rash decisions and we help her get grounded, understand what she wants from her marriage/husband, and then help her set boundaries.”

Crawford shares the women also get training and understanding in general regarding sex addiction, sexual compulsivity, but also focusing on their growth beyond the sexual betrayal. “We work on 12 Step work, that is defining who God is in our lives, looking at past personal issues that have tripped us up, finding forgiveness from others and making amends to the people we’ve harmed in our lives.”

One key truth in the PIP Program is instilling in each woman that she is not the cause of her partner’s behavior. Through weekly meetings (in-person or via Zoom), women find their voice, gain strength and perspective, and find a renewed sense of hope and a path forward by building supportive friendships with women who are walking through similar struggles.

For Jennifer, she can still recall her first day in the Partners in Process group like it was yesterday. She describes it as a very validating experience as she not only shared her story but heard similar stories from the group of women surrounding her. Still, it wasn’t easy. “I decided to go back but I was angry I had to be there. It’s a club you join that you don’t want to be a part of but it was ultimately about my healing as I was tired of being sick and tired”. As her husband John got better, Jennifer began seeing hope restored. It was more than reconciliation but a re-birth of their own marriage. Jennifer not only continued and worked through the 12 Steps but was so encouraged through the process that she is a mentor to four women in the group today.

“In her mentorship role, she spends one hour each week with each mentee via Zoom or phone, “I sit down and walk-through choices and decisions they make, go over their homework assignments, and ask them to share what stood out to them with their readings”. Jennifer stresses both the group and the individual time is focused on the women and when they start talking about their husbands that’s detrimental to the process, she gently brings it back them, “It helps so they start thinking about their thinking and when they start talking about their husbands, I tell them this is about your healing so let’s talk about you.” Jennifer, also allows her mentees access to her throughout the week via text or phone calls as needs come up.

One of the biggest learnings in PIP is the women setting healthy boundaries with their spouse. “We don’t give ultimatums or threats but we set boundaries. For example, my request is for you to watch G-rated movies for the first 30 days but if you do otherwise you will have to report it to your mentor and/or counselor and then tell me within 48 hours”. Jennifer says far too often, women in early recovery will try and dictate their husbands’ recovery journey, thus taking the focus off their own needs. The other challenge is the desire for a quick-fix.

“I tell women it’s a process and not a race. it’s going to take time and I’m on the other side now but it took 3-5 years. They are going to relapse so don’t be surprised by it just as we as women are going to relapse by not setting boundaries, not sharing our honest feelings with other women and being passive-aggressiveness”.

In addition, Jennifer and others in leadership help new women dispel old notions regarding addiction and faith. In other words, some women growing up in Christian circles were led to believe this is simply an issue of sin where one can simply “choose to stop”. Jennifer’s take is this, “Yes, there’s a choice involved in their addiction but it’s more than just a choice for them as it’s also an addiction where there’s been a change in their brain and they’re trying to re-wire their brains, in recovery with healthier habits and thought patterns”.

“In the recovery journey, Jennifer sums it up with this, “We err on the side of grace, but in addition to grace there’s also a need for accountability”. Accountability, vulnerability, and a shared sense of responsibility as both husbands and wives learn to grow and heal from the scars of sexual brokenness.

Our goal with each Partners in Process support group is to help women find their voice, gain strength and perspective, and find a renewed sense of hope and a path forward by building supportive friendships with women who are walking through similar struggles.

By Karen Crawford