After years of escalating pornography use and problematic sexual behaviors brought on by very early childhood porn exposure, Tim hit bottom and turned to Prodigals for help. This is his story..
My journey on the broken road that led me to Prodigals started when I was very young. Although I don’t remember my exact age at the time, I would say I was around 5. My addiction started with masturbation. I had a feeling that what I was doing was wrong, after all I was sneaking around and hiding to do this. I also had great shame and guilt when I was caught a few times, but none of that could stop me. Just a few short years later I discovered my first pornographic magazine, this created a rapid acceleration in the development of my addiction. I began stealing magazines from my friend’s house. To throw fuel on the fire, shortly after that I discovered an adult video that my grandfather had. I knew that stealing was wrong, but I couldn’t control my urges and took this for my own.
These actions led me into isolation; I didn’t want anything other than my pornography and would go to any lengths to get it. I had only a few friends that were made up mostly of family. I refused to engage in social activities thinking that it would only cut into my time for my addiction. I became a true introvert and didn’t learn what true relationships were. I only knew the fantasy world that pornography had created. I became a stumbling block for others. When I couldn’t get my alone time and still had to have my “drug” of choice I got it the only way I knew how which involved exposing others to my “drug.”
In my early teen years, I continued to harm others. I had created an extensive network of lies to cover my addiction and get my way. I became very manipulative in attempts to get what I desired, which in turn took advantage of others and tried to coerce others to do what I desired even if it was against their will. I had never learned what real intimacy was, I only saw what pornography had shown me about false intimacy. I had become a very self-centered and selfish person. As time went by my need for the next big thrill continued and drove me deeper into the addiction.
Every time was always the same, I felt shame and guilt and knew that I was in the wrong. Every time was always the same act, telling my girlfriend what she wanted to hear just to appease her. Each time I truly wanted to keep my promise to her and quit my acting out, but it was always a short time until I was back at it. I wanted to do the right thing and turn my life around, but I could not do it on my own. I couldn’t quit.
Eventually, my need for the next big sexual thrill led me to cross the line, devastating my family, my girlfriend and myself. A few years later my continued addiction-fueled behaviors led me to rock bottom and cost me my job, my marriage and many other relationships.
This is the point where I say that Jesus saved me. I made a commitment to turn my life around and quit my addiction. I was successful for a few years. I was even able to save my relationship and remarry the same woman a few years after. I thought I was doing great, that I had this thing beat. Then in early February of 2023 my wife discovered images on my phone that proved that I had, again, crossed the line and was acting out online instead of in person with the same type of activities that had previously cratered my life.
That night, in desperation to save my marriage and my relationship with my daughter, I reached out for help. Finally realizing that I could not do this on my own I made a call to the only people I thought could help: Focus On The Family. Their resources eventually led me to Prodigals International.
After attending a few Saturday morning Homecoming meetings, I decided to take the terrifying plunge and jump into Step Zero. It was a scary commitment for me. The thought of giving up my sense of control terrified me. But although it can be difficult to do the reading and admit all my faults, it has been well worth the work. I am seeing the changes in my life, my confidence has been boosted, and I am finally learning what real relationships are. My wife and I have both noticed the changes in our relationship as I am now learning what real intimacy is, that it is not just physical but emotional as well. I now have a better and more stable relationship with my daughter and other family members.
Ultimately God has made the changes in me, and Prodigals has shown me the path, and led me to a better relationship with God. Without the help and fellowship I have found with Prodigals, I would never have made it this far on my own. I am now well beyond the longest sober streak that I have ever managed on my own and I owe that credit to Prodigals.
I continue to attend meetings with Prodigals and do what I can to assist the ministry. I do this to stay active in my recovery. Without staying active and continuing to work the program, I know that it would only be a short time before a relapse would occur if I let my guard down.
