by Sam Louie, MA, LMHC, CSAT
Prodigals International Counseling
Originally published in Psychology Today May 29, 2025.
“Progress, not perfection” or “relapse is a part of recovery” are common mantras shared in addiction recovery circles. You may bristle at hearing this if you’re a family member or partner impacted by addiction. You may also feel this is just giving the addict an excuse to slip back into past, destructive patterns. I would agree that one must be mindful to never use these sayings as a means of justifying a relapse.
As a therapist specializing in addictions, I am cautious and judicious in mentioning these aphorisms to clients too early in treatment. However, once I get to know a client, there may be opportunities to share these general truths with them based on clinical necessity. For example, since addicts often carry significant shame, sharing that recovery isn’t linear can be a means toward shame-reduction.
Addressing the “All or Nothing” Approach
Far too often, addicts come into therapy with an all-or-nothing approach to their future. They will emphatically tell me, “I will never do ________ (insert addictive substance or behavior) again!” Then, when there’s a slip along the way, their entire sense of self comes crashing down. They are caught in a maelstrom of discouragement, despondency, and self-loathing. To get them out of this spiral, they will then attempt to make more ardent declarations of sobriety, only to find themselves in emotional whiplash the next time it occurs. Keep in mind, there is a small minority of those who miraculously do recover without ever reengaging in past behaviors, but that is not the reality of most people in recovery. Hence, the need to eventually relay to them that life’s journey, regardless of addiction, is about “progress, not perfection.”
Photo by Magnus Hevitt on Unsplas
Surrender vs. Control
This is a foundation for those who have long-term sobriety because it touches on the principles of surrender vs. control. Addiction is a paradox. You must surrender control to have lasting peace. If someone tries to stubbornly use sheer willpower alone, the chances of perpetually relapsing increase.
However, when people surrender daily to the process of healing, being mindful to address issues that come up, this ironically fosters a higher percentage of healthy sobriety than trying to just be headstrong and think one will “never slip.” The mindful state, while desiring the same goal, doesn’t try to control sobriety, thus letting healing lead the process instead. And in this manner, they learn their sobriety is based on surrender, which is rooted in humility. Humility is knowing they have the potential to relapse but can choose otherwise.
The shame state, on the other hand, is when addicts convince themselves relapse will either never happen again (their views for the future) or should never have happened (their views when slips/relapses occur during recovery for themselves or others).
In short, true sobriety is based on the reality of knowing one is imperfect and can be vulnerable to relapse, in contrast to those who are too prideful to acknowledge their imperfection.
Sam Louie, MA, LMHC, CSAT is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist with Prodigals International Counseling specializing in helping men with problematic sexual behaviors see beyond their sexual brokenness and recognize the sanctity of their souls. He also leads a Thursday evening Christian Men’s Sex Addiction Therapy Group – Journey to Recovery. Sam is a first-generation, Chinese-American immigrant who grew up in South Seattle amidst three generations of addictions, bringing significant understanding and experience helping people address trauma, addictions, cultural and relationship issues.
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