Every couple has their own cycle of reactive patterns that can easily bring conversations to a halt. Emotions build, tensions rise, we interrupt and talk over one another. Over the years these cycles repeat themselves as our anger, frustration, fears, and aloneness compound.

When we can hit the pause button on these desires it creates a small space, a clearing within the forest. In this space we can sit down, take a breath, and look for another path through the forest.

Finding a New Path

Getting out of the forest of our own reactivity cycles isn’t easy. It takes patience with ourselves to try new skills, stumble, and try again. When you find yourself heading towards conflict within difficult conversations, give yourself the gift of a pause and a deep breath. Then begin the work of trying a new approach.

At Prodigals International we recommend these 8 steps when navigating conflict and difficult conversations. Both men and women have found these steps to be helpful in developing new skills, exiting the familiar reactivity cycles, and moving toward productive discussions. As a result they become more present with their spouse and are able to communicate with greater calm and ease.

A Road Map

Here are 8 steps you can take to find a new path out of the forest of conflict and difficult conversations. To better understand each step, we have provided examples within the conversation.

The examples focus on the following situation: A wife has been triggered by her husband not following through on a commitment to complete a home fix-it project. Before they began their recovery journey unfinished fix-it projects were an area of significant conflict between them. In recovery he has discovered he has a lot of anxiety about a failed career. Before recovery he drowned out his feelings of failure by secretly watching porn in the garage. This rippled into not completing projects at home which further “proved” his failure mentality about himself. In discovery the wife learned he watched porn in the garage instead of working on the home fix-it projects. In recovery she is learning how her nagging him about unfinished projects is a controlling behavior that further echoes a message of failure to her husband. The current unfinished fix-it project has triggered the wife’s fears that her husband has relapsed and is again watching porn in the garage.

These examples are a framework. At the end of each step, pause and reflect. There will be times when Steps 1 and 2 are all that are needed to diffuse a conflict. Other times you will need to walk through many more of the steps.

1. Listen

As long as you are talking you aren’t going to get to the root of the problem. Attentive listening requires you to bring your full attention to the conversation.

Put away the phone, mute your internal chatter, and see the humanity within each of you.

Take a moment – did this diffuse the conflict?

 

2. Acknowledge the Pain

“I understand how busy you are.”

“It is really hard for me when you spend hours in the garage by yourself.”

“I see this is a project that wasn’t as simple to fix as you thought it would be.”

Take a moment – did this diffuse the conflict?

 

3. Acknowledge the Feelings

“Do you feel like you can’t do it right, so why do it at all?”

“I feel confused and afraid. I want to trust you. The unfinished project has me questioning if it is the only thing you are doing in the garage.”

“I was really hoping you would have this project done by now so we could enjoy the rest of the weekend together.”

Take a moment – did this diffuse the conflict?

 

4. Be a Support

“What do you need from me right now?”

“Would it help if I cooked dinner and cleaned up so you can have time to complete more of the project today?”

“Would it help to go for a walk and take a 15 minute break together?”

Take a moment – did this diffuse the conflict?

 

5. Acknowledge your Faith in Them

“You built the bookshelf for the living room last month and it looks beautiful! I know you will be able to finish this project as nicely.”

“This is really hard and I have confidence you can do the next right thing.”

Take a moment – did this diffuse the conflict?

 

6. Offer your Assistance

“Perhaps there is something I can do to be of help?”

“Can I pick up something from the hardware store for you?”

“I would be happy to make you a fresh cup of coffee.”

Take a moment – did this diffuse the conflict?

 

7. Offer to Discuss Pros and Cons

“What are the negatives that are weighing you down?”

“What positives can come from completing this project?”

Take a moment – did this diffuse the conflict?

 

8. Seek Professional Advice

If after walking calmly through each of these steps the conflict continues, we recommend you take time to seek professional advice. This is most easily done when you have an ongoing relationship with a therapist or counselor.

Many times couples get caught in their reactivity cycles because they have rearranged these steps. We offer advice before listening. We discuss the Pros and Cons before acknowledging the pain.

The next time you find yourself spiraling through your reactivity cycles with your spouse, pause, take a breath, and offer to begin again. “I’m not sure I’m understanding you clearly. Can we start again?” Then begin with Step 1, Listening.

 

 

By Karen Crawford