by Sam Louie, MA, LMHC, CSAT
Prodigals International Counseling
It’s easy to feel the weight of sexual sin as a transgression against God.
As Christians, the biblical exhortation to remain steadfast against sexual immorality, lust, and licentious behaviors is clear. Sexual sin (compulsive or otherwise) is a violation of God’s vision for us in our relationships with others and ourselves. But what’s often neglected or rarely considered is the reality that we sin not only against Jesus, but also against ourselves.
We know how to find redemption from our sins through repentance to God. Yet, how do we find redemption within ourselves?
We are redeemed through Christ’s blood on the cross; a sincere heart of penitence is all that’s needed to receive God’s grace, mercy, and love. Yet we can still struggle to forgive ourselves. In recovery, in addition to Jesus taking away our sin and shame, there’s also a need to discover (or rediscover) our self-respect.
What is self-respect?
Let’s be clear, self-respect isn’t the same as respecting who you are based on your job title, degree, or secular achievements. While those can add to your sense of identity, true self-respect is comprised of foundational aspects of our core: integrity, character, and being a man of our word.
Self-respect doesn’t just happen. It’s not a passive activity. While we cannot earn God’s grace, our own self-respect is developed through our work of renewal. In recovery from problematic sexual behaviors, that means turning away from old behaviors and enduring the pain that results from that. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope (Romans 5:3-4 ESV). Too often, one may ask God for healing in recovery but neglect the fact that that work often involves suffering that comes by not engaging in compulsive sexual behaviors.
It’s not about legalism
Let’s be clear, obedience shouldn’t be about legalism. It should flow from the heart. But obedience in recovery from sex addiction isn’t merely striving to remain sexually pure in heart, mind, and body. That is a noble goal but in reaching that goal it’s going to require new commitments, ones that come with pain, discomfort, and personal sacrifices. It comes from a new mindset that springs not from self, but from the Holy Spirit. “2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2 NIV)
When newly embracing recovery, its common to make excuses as to why we “can’t” do something (leave my phones outside the bedroom) or why we “must” do something (being online during vulnerable hours). But this is a fixed victim mindset prone to additional compromises to self.
As Christian men, we want freedom and a sense of self-respect from our slavery to compulsive sexual behaviors. But beyond the choices of therapy, 12-step groups, and accountability partners, we must ask ourselves “am I truly willing to embrace the “renewing of my mind” which requires submission to God? This is the true admission of surrender:
“I’m not in control Lord and I will put you first even if it means actions that require sacrifice of personal autonomy, comfort, and convenience.”
The work of renewing our minds – a pathway to hope
Using the example above, choosing the internal discomfort of restricting oneself from using electronics in the bathroom provides an opportunity – not a legalistic stronghold – to create a healthy boundary and, therefore, a personal growth mindset. It’s an opportunity to discover how much “suffering” we must endure to keep our word. Keeping our commitment to ourselves is often where the spiritual battle for control is won or lost. God encourages us to embrace the pain of commitment and dependency, knowing the pain will produce hope.
However, Satan whispers in our ears to seek comfort, convenience, and autonomy. When we make excuses as to why we “can’t” do something, we leave opportunities for the Devil to make a foothold. We then make excuses as to why we “don’t have time” for activities that build our character and spiritual fortitude (i.e. prayer, Bible reading, fasting, etc.). Yet without leaning on the Holy Spirit to give us strength to do what we think is impossible, it leads not only to a languishing and apathetic spiritual life, but it also erodes our self-respect. Without self-respect, God still loves you, but you may find it hard to love yourself.
A ruthless commitment
Self-respect comes from upholding our core values of integrity, character, and commitment. This isn’t from having a strong will. If anything, it comes from a softened heart and humbled spirit willing to seek dependency on God. It’s a willingness to lean harder on God, his people, and our commitment to ourselves.
A ruthless commitment that, while bringing pain and suffering, sows the seeds of perseverance which eventually will sprout the seeds of self-respect, character, and the hope we all long for.
