Navigating the Emotional Rollercoaster After Intimate Betrayal
by Karen Crawford, ACC, CPC
Senior Program Director, Prodigals International
Discovering your husband’s sex addiction can be devastating. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed, confused, and have a million questions. Here are some of the most common ones, along with resources to help you find answers and support:
First Reactions
- “How long has this been going on?”
It’s impossible to know for sure, but many sex addicts hide their behavior for years. As much as is possible, focus on the present and your path forward. If that is too difficult right now, please seek help to manage your emotions. - “Why didn’t I see the signs earlier?”
Sex addiction can be very cunning. Don’t blame yourself. - “Is it my fault?”
Absolutely not! Sex addiction is a compulsive behavior driven by underlying issues.
The Future of Your Relationship:
- “Can our marriage survive this?”
It depends. With commitment, proper therapy, and support, many marriages recover. - “Was our entire relationship a lie?”
The addiction may have colored things, but genuine moments of connection likely existed. Focus on rebuilding trust and authenticity if you choose to stay. Prodigals International can help you to rebuilt that trust and authenticity with each other.
Understanding the Scope of the Addiction:
- “How many other people are involved?”
It’s understandable to want to know, but dwelling on specifics can be retraumatizing. It is also traumatizing and triggering to know who, what and where. Approach these questions with caution because it will cause your recovery to be more difficult. - “Will he ever be able to stop?”
Sex addiction is a treatable condition, but it requires commitment from him.
Sharing and Support:
- “Should I tell our family and friends?”
There’s no right or wrong answer. Consider your comfort level and whether it would provide support. Talking to a therapist or coach can help you weigh the pros and cons. Until you receive firm direction, tell only those you need for support. - “Is our sexual relationship real or just a part of his addiction?”
It can be hard to tell. Yes, it was likely real at some point in your relationship. Rebuilding intimacy takes time and requires rebuilding trust.
Trust and Recovery:
- “Can I trust him again?”
Trust is a journey, not a destination. It takes time, honesty, and consistent action from him. - “What should I do if he relapses?”
Relapse, or at least slips, can be a part of recovery. Be prepared with a plan you create with a therapist.
Seeking Help and Healing:
- “Is therapy effective for sex addiction?”
Absolutely! Therapy can help your husband address the underlying issues driving his addiction and develop healthy coping mechanisms. A well trained therapist will provide what is needed to reconnect the brain pathways and provide healing. - “Should I stay or leave?”
This is a personal decision. Consider your needs, boundaries, and whether you see a future together. Don’t make any rash decisions. You can always do a therapeutic separation and watch where he goes with his recovery. - “How do I cope with the emotional trauma?”
Talking to a therapist or coach specializing in betrayal trauma can be immensely helpful in processing your emotions and healing.
Finding Safety and Security:
- “Will I ever feel safe and secure in this relationship again?”
Yes, it’s possible, but rebuilding safety and security takes time and effort. Prioritize your own healing and well-being. Finding your own voice and establishing healthy boundaries will contribute to feeling more secure.
There is hope and healing after discovering your husband’s sex addiction. Don’t be afraid to seek support and prioritize your own well-being throughout this difficult journey. Prodigals International Counseling and Coaching an excellent starting point – additional support groups, books, and therapists are also available.
